


Crash Standing -- What-Ifs and Maybes

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Series: the family you choose [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Byrd is Davesprite's new name because reasons, Drunkenness, Fluff, Gen, Multi, Pesterlog, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Quadrant Confusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-01-09 04:32:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1. "Byrd," Kanaya says with even more careful enunciation than usual, and that's how you know she's kind of drunk. "I do not wish to impugn on your transcendental broship with John."<br/>--<br/>2. GG: hi byrd can i talk to you???<br/>GG: its not super urgent yet but ahhhh, i really need to talk to you!!!<br/>GG: byrd featherbutt strider!<br/>--<br/>3. Terezi has a problem with Dave's shower. A very grave problem. Dave chivalrously undertakes to fix it.<br/>--<br/>4. Chapter 13 from Bro's POV.<br/>--<br/>Collection of ficlets that might turn out to be canon for the main fic and deliberately branching-off plotlines.<br/>Will not make sense without having read Crash Standing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kanaya & Byrd drunken conciliatory cuddles

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous asked: Kanaya/Byrd, pleasantly buzzed and/or festive, on Hellmurder island.
> 
> I have no idea if the Kanaya/Byrd situation will evolve in that direction, or if it will but not that way/not there and then.

"Byrd," she says with even more careful enunciation than usual, and that's how you know she's kind of drunk. "I do not wish to impugn on your transcendental broship with John."

She looks all challenging yet dignified, like she said something especially noble or important. You nod patiently, and pat the wooden log you're sitting on, your beer bottle trapped between your knees. Mighty useful as grabbing limbs, those knees, you'd never have found out without losing your hand and she would have tripped and gone down from you not being free to catch her and help her down.

That or she would have gotten a boobful of beer. You're not sure which would be considered worse.

She spends a few seconds smoothing down the beach-shawl skirt thing she's wearing over her swimsuit.

"I do not wish to impugn," she repeats. "Impugn...ate?"

"I think impugn was right. But?"

"But? Was it not right after all?"

You try not to smile. "You don't wish to impugn, but... you're gonna do it anyway?"

"Oh! Oh, no. I was just thinking, while your relationship has a lot of the, the trappings of a moirallegiance -- oh fuck."

After all those acrobatics, she just dropped her soda now. She stares mournfully at it. You snicker and hand her your beer, which she declines with a grimace. Trolls are impervious to ready-made alcohol, but when they get enough sugar in their system apparently it ferments right in their stomach or guts and _bam_.

She squares her shoulders and sets her horns in a forward stance that reminds you of Karkat's more stubborn moods. It's potentially scarier on her, since she has those long-ass barbed daggerpoints on her head instead of harmless little nubs. She's aiming to the left of you, though.

"John doesn't kiss you! Or cuddle you! And I respect it as a human thing, but if you wanted to, oh, I forgot my speech. Damn it."

She looks so chagrined that you snicker again. (You might be a tiny bit, uh, relaxed yourself. S'fine, you can roll with it. What do you look like, Dave?) "You had a speech, holy shit." She looks all chagrined, awgh, whoops. "No, it's fine, it's you, I bet you write speeches for a lot of things. Hey, it's fine, not everyone can have the gift of instant verbiage like I do. So you want to steal me for your diamond, girl? What about our gossipchumpage? You fiftrant hussy."

"No! No, I."

She pauses. Purses her eyebrows, her mouth.

"Does the gossipchump quadrant contain any physical affection? Because, I. Well, I find myself craving a damned _hug_ , but Rose cannot seem to conceive of it in a way that does not eventually involve her hands going places. Very awkward places! And when she tries to be chaste it's even awkwarder somehow. Um. Was awkwarder a word."

Pff. Cute. You nudge her shoulder with yours.

"But do you have any actual pale designs on me, Maryam, you gotta tell me that first."

She starts chewing on the edge of a claw, eyes huge and worried. "Maybe... a smidgen?"

"A _smidgen_."

She squirms in her seat. "Well. You _are_ pretty pitiable some days. And your hair is very nice! But I'm hardly _pining_. That would  be very silly and not something I would do. Also I did that once, only for another quadrant, and it was stupid and made me feel stupid, and... bluh."

Oh god she's so drunk. Hahaha. Also, d'aww. Um, no, wait, is she, like, serious considering you. Welp. That might be pretty bad? (Or would it be that bad? It's not like you don't enjoy her company at all. Um. Hm. Hrrm.)

"Oh!"

"What?"

"I remember my speech." She grins, all chompers out. You grin back. It's charming like a grin from a kid with missing front teeth. Even though this is, like. The opposite issue. "John will not take it as cheating on him, right?"

Snerk. "He will definitely not."

"And you, um. You consider me a friend, right? And some of you humans, well. We did have several multi-participant piles and. Okay, I'm not sugared up enough after all."

You, uh, you're sure some people out there by the fire might construe what happens next as you bursting out laughing, but they would be wrong. Yep. You were, uh. Sneezing. Or something.

No, wait, you're _not Dave!_ Emotional freedom all up in that bitch. You laugh some more.

"Hey, did Rose tell you about the human tradition of drunken one-night-makeouts. Cause I'm telling you, just in case--"

"Of course she did," Kanaya says. "I would hardly be here otherwise. Also Aradia kissed John earlier and everyone just laughed."

You arch an eyebrow. Okay, that's one juicy bit of gossip. Which everyone will know already before you, but that doesn't mean you can't tease John about it.

"Okay then. I'm just saying, unless you're homing in on my flush, I'm pretty okay with cuddles." Wait, that wasn't all, was it. "But just so we're clear. Kisses on the mouth, not okay?"

She brightens, grin wide and surprised. D'aww. You shuffle your butt closer so you can side-hug her around the back, and she lets out a strange startled crickety noise that has you snorting out another laugh.

"No, close-mouthed is fine."

You breathe out, relieved. "But no tongue."

She makes a thinking face. "I find the idea of your tongue very gross and would likely bite."

You turn to face her, and you lean in and solemnly cup her cheek, forehead to forehead, face hopefully transmitting all the gravity of this situation. "Well then. Let us mack, miss Maryam."

Giggling, she kisses the tip of your nose, and then drags you in to cuddle up to her cleavage.


	2. Byrd/Karkat/Jade pesterlog shenanigans - non-canon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> princessofblood asked: Jadekat AU for your crash standing verse?
> 
> (crash standing is all about making davesprite happy! such a cruel prompt XD)

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering truncatedGrip [TG] --

GG: hi byrd can i talk to you???   
GG: its not super urgent yet but ahhhh, i really need to talk to you!!!   
GG: byrd featherbutt strider!   
TG: yo harley whats up on your mountaintop   
GG: the lava? its kind of splurting up like a fountain, its very pretty   
GG: BUT SO TOTALLY NOT THE TOPIC   
TG: ok what is the topic   
TG: let me pull out my crystal ball and purple veils   
TG: cant be an issue with the camping gear im still not any less benched than i was youd have called one of the crockbert parental units   
GG: its not an issue with the gear or people getting injured or anything :/   
TG: karkat saw you naked and you divested him of his aliendude parts   
GG: ......   
TG: what really   
GG: NO!!! he didnt see me naked, i made him put on a blindfold when i was washing up!   
TG: wow there are rivers that far up the volcano   
TG: that sounds like the setup for a softcore porno   
GG: no theres not theres just this silly little rain pool in the rocks, and will you shut up and let me tell you???   
TG: you saw him naked   
GG: um   
TG: what seriously   
GG: sorry :((((((((((((((((((((((   
TG: dude whyd you think id get angry about that   
TG: nice butt huh im totally fine with sharing the aesthetic wowzas with my best girl   
GG: um.   
GG: which brings me to my actual topic   
GG: YOU TOTALLY HAVE VETO RIGHTS!!! dont worry about that okay??? the last thing either of us wants is to hurt you at all and in fact if karkat was ok with hurting you like that id start hating him pretty platonically and   
GG: im telling it all out of order DX   
TG: uh   
TG: what   
TG: you doin quadrants now harley   
TG: okay    
TG: what   
GG: oh nooo youre all onewordy now :'(((((((((((((((((   
GG: nothing happened yet! its just   
GG: well hes been super annoying and whiny all through the trip!!!!   
GG: but hes also cute and all and i started thinking, if i were kissing him he couldnt bitch and moan nonstop???   
TG: huh   
GG: yeah .____. sorry.   
TG: dyou think that really counts as kismefeels though   
TG: i mean   
TG: annoyance and hate are p far apart and hes probably been jerked around enough already   
GG: :( i dont think i can really hate him, not the way trolls do, but he knows that. we talked about it a bit (we didn't do anything!!! just talked)   
GG: and then he was all HUMANS ARE WEIRD ABOUT SHARING AND IF I HURT BYRD I WILL GO SWIMMING IN THE VOLCANO I SWEAR ON MY BULGE RAA RAA    
GG: :) it was super cute how he was completely freaked over hurting you even a little bit    
GG: and its super cute that youd worry more about his feelings than yours NOW STOP REPRESSING AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!!   
TG: i think youve spent so much time with shouty the contrarian that now you think you have to bulldoze everyone down with the force of your authoritarian yells but im a delicate and thoughtful soul   
GG: ..... ack yeah sorry .___.   
TG: sok   
TG: im surprised hes not giving me an earful in another window tho   
GG: oh, i put a password on his wifi access :D he was being a spammy butt and getting on my nerves   
GG: uh but ill take it off right now so you can talk to him   
GG: its just the first thing hed have told you would have been IM TOTALLY FINE NEVER GETTING TO MACK ON JADE I SWEAR and it would have been an even worse mess than this convo and its already a ton of messy   
TG: just a bit yeah   
TG: so laying it all out   
TG: you my love ex want my permission to hate date my love boyfriend   
GG: yes? :D;;;   
TG: fucking quadrants why am i doing quadrants i dont mind karkat doing quadrants but jesusfuck why didnt he go for idk sollux i never wanked it over sollux whod want to ponder their boyfriend sucking face with a garden rake how am i meant to pretend its not happening if i    
TG: uh   
GG: well see the bright side of it!   
GG: itd piss karkat off a ton if we had the occasional quadrant smearing threesome   
GG: just saying :D;;;;;;;;   
TG: ...............   
GG: that was   
GG: just a thought!! hahahaha joke   
GG: um.   
TG: ...............................................

\----

\-- truncatedGrip [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: karkat this is your loverbird speaking   
TG: fluttering down from on high like a golden mote of light to sing a sweet song of tenderest pity straight in your hearing plate   
TG: GO FORTH AND HATEMACK ON HARLEY WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND SUNS.


	3. dave/terezi, shower ficlet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happens in the first three days after they come back from the Game.

"Dave?"

Terezi's voice is muffled, a bit thoughtful, like there's something she isn't getting yet. Dave gets up from his game on the TV and goes. (It's not at all to get away from the way the sprite looks at it all envious but refuses to play.)

He finds her in the bathroom in a t-shirt and briefs, balanced on the edge of the shower tub. For a second he wonders what work of art his bro's puppets are recreating in there, but the stall is empty.

He pauses on the doorstep. The room is ridic tiny. "What is it?"

"Oh, the controls are just a tad--" she makes a dubious moue.

He steps in; the door swings closed behind her. "You were about to shower? What's the problem?"

And then she smirks and drapes her arms around his neck, just as he remembers that she used the shower yesterday without any trouble at all.

"There's no button to summon a hot human shower attendant to wash my back," she purrs, "but I think I've found a workaround," and leans in, smirking all smug teeth and heavy-lidded eyes.

Dave blushes hot and leans in to meet her, transfixed. Their lips brush against each other, soft and searching at first and then picking up speed, depth. She teases his lip with her teeth, making that weird rusty little noise he can't get enough of, her arms tightening to pull him closer, and perched as she is they're of a height with each other and he can tell she's about to use it relentlessly. She leans back, pulling him along until he's stepping into the shower stall with her, heart speeding up; he groans in her mouth. Are they going to -- does she really want to ...? Oh shit, yes, is that third base,  perhaps the full touchdown--

A puppet in a gimp suit falls from the ceiling onto his head.

By the time he has straightened up from his ungraceful slump against the sink (ow his fucking back) Bro is cracking the door open and telling him, bland and bored, “I done told you to leave soap dropping to the professionals, bro."

He leaves the door pointedly open when he leaves.

That, and Terezi is peering at the puppet with quizzical interest. Yeah, okay, boner fucking ruined.


	4. Chapter 13 from Bro's POV

Dirk would be useful down there in the motors, helping you fix what those hapless morons fucked up. He would be, but you have both decided that he would be more useful standing guard over the guys your littlest bro took on. If he happens to stand close enough to the staircase to hear some of what is happening up there, that's a coincidence.

You'd send him up for backup, but he'd land straight in the middle of occupied territory, free to  be strafed at will from all sides, by pirates and allies attempting a counterattack both.

(Of course if the staircase didn't lead straight in occupied territory you'd have found some awesome reason why his delicate little hands are the only ones that can do the work you're currently doing, and gone back up yourself. But it does, so you didn't. You haven't. Not yet. You have something important to do here, it's useless to kick them all overboard if you end up stranded and they can pick you off at leisure.)

Dirk doesn't move much but you have his exact pose burned into your mind and when you emerge from the motors again you see his head is tilted like he heard something. You click your tongue. He glances at you.

"Thuds." And then "Check your pesterchum."

Lalonde Senior is updating the battle in real time, bless her heart -- what she sees of it. They're leading an assault, jesus, you need to be done here so you can go up and help.

The morons fucked things up more than you thought, more than they probably planned to because they needed to fix the thing once they had it in their power and this wasn't going to happen with a run-of-the-mill tech, and what if you can't get it working, what if they fucked up the satellite internet too and you can't even call for help, and you'll be drifting here until your kids die of thirst, Dave and Byrd gone listness and Dirk pretending to be fine until he keels over and--

"Mindfuck," Dirk says, terse and displeased, and you blink.

"Explain!" you bark. You're busy, if you don't pay attention to your hands you will lose a finger or three; you want Byrd not to feel so bad about being maimed but not to the point you're ready to maim your own self to lead by example.

"Troll mind powers. Never felt this one exactly but one like. It's messing with m-- with our--"

The stutter is telltale; Dirk doesn't know if it's affecting the both of you, he's trying to front about the way it gets to him.

It's a reasonable assumption. What if they're dead out here, what if you finally get out from under this stupid motor to see blood dripping down the stairs, what if your Daves--

"... See what you mean."

It's not even unreasonable maybes, how would you know, they're _assaulting pirates without you_ , you are _not there_. The way the thoughts keep coming back, though, forcing themselves in technicolor to the forefront -- no, you're more disciplined than that.

You think you hear a gunshot, muffled, almost inconsequential, and you're eeling out, you're barking, "Go!" and Dirk goes like an arrow, like either he read your mind or he was about to do it no matter what you said.

You're not far on his heels.

You burst out into the light to see them all dancing, and the steel you had armored your heart with recedes.

You let yourself be terrified, now it's over, deep down below where no one will ever notice it, and you go up to Byrd to give him the eyebrow over that ass-grope you totally didn't notice.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Crash Standing -- What-Ifs and Maybes [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8830291) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




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